Every year my birthday roles around, I find myself saying "This year is going to be different" only to sink into utter depression that it in fact, its THE SAME.
I use my birthday like most people use New Year's..a time for reflection and resolutions.
I guess it started when I turned 25...The feeling that I lost all happiness that comes with a birthday.
Like a veil had been lifted from my eyes.
The end of innocence and childhood.
For most, that happens at 18, the "Im now an official adult" thing.
For me, it was in fact 25. When it comes to my birthday,I tend to have a mental break down; question myself, most of the time aloud, about where my life is going, and what the fuck Im doing with it. Which then leads to a Niagra Falls of tears. Reminds me of the scene in "Alice in Wonderland" when she cries and it turns into a massive flood. At this point, I worry about how red I am, or how ruined my makeup, which probably didnt turn out right anyway, got ruined with all the water leakage.
I pick myself up, and fix the makeup. I then go to work. Yes, I work on my birthday. I guess in a way it makes me feel special...again something I didnt do until I was 25. I go to work, (at the daycare)because it makes me feel better that the kids get excited that its someones birthday. Until one asks "What did your boyfriend get you!?" Then I am reminded that Im single, yet again, on my birthday. Not that 3 years ago when I had a boyfriend that my birthday was any different. Well, I take that back. He had fucked up so much, he actually made me have a "ok" birthday with a "sea" themed cake.
Anyway, back to what I was saying...
I smile and get through the day. Maybe with a break down or two in my head. I go home. I get ready to go to a favorite local haunt...for the intent on getting so plastered I wont HAVE TO remember this awful day of "birth".
This year...Jiminy Cricket, its even worse.
Add all that shit, plus this: My dad and I havent spoken in months. My living situation is pretty fucked (landlord hasnt been paying mortgage, could have to be out soon), my closest friend (one anyway) Heat (whos bday is today) and I cant spend our bday together this year, my mom isnt talking to me, and the boy Ive been in love with the last year (its been on and off with us) hates me all of the sudden. Something about how I cant commit. Me plus "cant commit" doesnt really add up, so this is weird to me. I waited a year for him to, and he waited a month for me and tossed me aside. Why the month wait you ask, why didnt i jump into it? Oh I was getting over CCW, and wanted those feelings gone. Maybe they just arent.
Im getting side tracked again.
I also feel like Im being ignored I guess. Not just by ex family, but by self involved pricks. Something inside me wants to yell at certain people. But maybe its self involved for me to do so.
My birthday is in two days. On the 23rd.
I will be 27.
I dont know what this year will bring for me, if anything. Life is what we make it, or so Im told...
But everything I try and make it, seems to just fall apart.